A Mother's Heart

This is not a post filled with updates and pictures.  This is heart post.  I just finished updating with Mother's Day and all the sweet happy memories we made with my precious family this Mother's Day.  As I read back through all our comings and goings, gifts, and celebrating my heart yearned to share more about what Mother's Day means to me.  

This holiday has had its ups and downs for me as many of you know and share.  I have friends that understand what its like not to want to go to church that day because the night before you were crying not understanding why you had another failed test or honestly not wanting people to say "when are you going to have kids!" "what you waiting on? you aren't getting any younger" Ha! If it were always that easy.   These times always bring closer to my mind the babies we have lost.  Because you see, whether here or in Heaven, those are still my babies and I long to share this Mother's Day with them.  

My Aunt Laura sent this article to me the week of Mother's Day. It's titled Only God.  It written about her and my Uncle Colby (mom's brother) and their story of tremendous loss and God's triumph.  It is heartbreakingly beautiful and inspiring all at the same time.  

One of the parts that resonates with me the most is when Laura says "“I cried every day for a year,” Laura says, “and I was angry, but I never took it as punishment. After Wesley died, that’s the closest I’ve ever felt to God. Grace is like daily bread, and I’ve learned that the Bible is more than a book. Before I used to read, ‘God gave up His son,’ but now I understand He willingly did that. I never could have willingly done that.”

How many times I have thought about that willingly part. Giving up a child?  For us?  His only Son for us sinners?  We were in church a couple of Sunday's ago and the worship pastor brought up this song and video.

Gorgeous huh?  But the point he was making was that it is a shame that they left out a verse.  Probably thought it was too controversial but it is a beautiful part of the song and really the "meat"  He had us sing this "forgotten" verse without music and really focus on the words. With tears running down my face I thought of this. I thought of these babies that have left the world before us and all that lose children. 

I think of God, 
His son not sparing, 
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden
gladly bearing He bled and died 
to take away my sin

I scarce can take it in.  Can you truly grasp the depth of His love without experiencing the pain of this earth?  The writer of this article puts it so well.

"Only God loves our children more than we do. Only God knows the hairs on their head and numbers of their days. Through Him we are made mothers, and in Him we stay strong. God’s grace is like daily bread, feeding our heart and soul enough to get us by. Let us cherish our time on earth but remember eternity lies in heaven"

I stood in church this Sunday praising God and feeling overwhelmed by the underserving Grace that allows me to be a mom.  That lets me experience this gift.  These precious lives that I have been entrusted with.  

Laura says "“My ultimate goal is to get myself and my family to heaven,” Laura says. “Now that I’ve already got one in heaven, it’s like part of me is there. Losing Wesley took the sting out of death and made me realize that in the blink of an eye, it could all be gone, so we better appreciate every moment."

On Saturday night, us ladies sat around the table at our birthday dinner and talked "mom".  Some arrived at motherhood the easy traditional way.  A few arrived through difficult heartache that ended in joy through fostering or adoption.  Most of us had small children and faced a lot of the same challenges.  We all agreed on  one thing "this parenting thing is hard."  We all raised our glasses and toasted that one.  But in the common stories told and the encouragement given, you could not hide the mother's love in their voices. 

I am the Mother I am by the Grace of my Savior who made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  I keep my eyes on the cross and the knees on the ground as I continue to this blessed journey of motherhood.  I pray for those waiting to be blessed.  I pray for those whose children have gone to Heaven before them.  I pray for a heart that is full of gratitude daily for this time with my little ones.  But mostly, I thank God for loving me. 


The Riley's